Have you ever met with your spiritual director or therapist and they say something that makes you feel raw? Their words surface hidden emotions and confront your post-worthy life with reality. You are human. I am human too; not all good and not all bad. Like most of us, I hide the most vulnerable parts of me from others, and it often turns out that I hide them from myself. It isn’t until someone hits one of those precious nerves that I remember an invitation to embrace all of who I am. Even the parts I don’t want the world to see.
Recently, the concept of home has been my exposed nerve. As someone who outwardly embraces the life of a pilgrim, several conversations with the wise women in my life have exposed a longing for home. Even as I write, the rawness of this desire creeps up my throat and into my eyes. This is where God is hanging with me in this season of life.
a conversation with my therapist, she exposed a deeper truth. Home is not a physical place, and it is not another person. It is me. Yup, nerve hit dead center. We were done as I soaked in ALL the feels. When that was over, I tucked it all away where it belonged.
A few days later, I was reading my amazing writing coach, Janyre Tromp’s new novel, Darkness Calls the Tiger, which is a compelling story that takes place during WWII in Burma. Most of the reviews mentioned themes surrounding forgiveness and light in dark places, but then this quote hit me smack dab in the face. “He was so settled now. It was as if he carried home around with him.” Do you ever silently cuss in your head or consider throwing a book across the room? Regardless of my initial reaction, God had my full attention.
When I took the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius, home was a central theme. My transformation took me to a deep sense that God is my home. While that is true, only I can be home to myself. This body is the only body that will carry me through life on earth. The wonder of this is that God resides in my body, just as I abide in God. I have found a home in God, but to truly encounter home, I must also be at home with myself.
If you have read any of my previous blogs or attended my trainings, you know I love Polyvagal Theory. I recently completed a dissertation on Polyvagal Theory integrated with Ignatian Spirituality. The primary thesis looks at the way these two practices help us develop sustainable intimacy with God. (To learn more you can go here: https://conversatio.org/safe-and-loving-connection-with-god/ ) One of the core themes of my study focuses on God’s presence in our bodies with strategies to connect with God through regulating our nervous system. The place of regulation is called ventral vagal or as Deb Dana refers to it, “home.” In this state, we are open to connecting with ourselves, with God, and with others. Imagine a moment with a person, animal, or in nature that brought a sense of connection, love, or peace. That is what we call a ventral experience or a homecoming, and it is a place of encounter with the Divine whether or not we notice it.
Our union with God is the integration of all our parts, embracing all of who God is to us, while simultaneously embracing all of who we are. While I am not there yet, and the pilgrim in me says there is always more, what I have tasted so far is wondrous. Therapy, spiritual direction, Exercises, and the wisdom of others have helped me on my journey. Perhaps that has been a part of your movement to a sense of home in yourself and a sense of home with God. As this truth takes hold, we find that when a nerve gets hit and the emotions rise, we can invite our vulnerable parts into a place of radical hospitality. This means we can boldly visit our messy hidden places and meet them with compassion and love.